“For by grace you have been saved through faith;
and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;
not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
~Eph. 2:8-9

we all have them.  sometimes they are happy occasions, sometimes they are sad.  either way, they are a very real part of life.

when all of those things that were so important suddenly can’t be remembered.  when life actually stops.  and wading through the moment of that “instant” is required.

i’m not sure how this post is going to go.  it may simply be the disjointed ramblings of a grieving aunt.  i have asked God for His help.  i want to tell you what He wants you to know…

i loved patrick before he was born.  from the moment i knew my sister was carrying him.  i never thought about that until the other day after i got the news that he had taken his own life.

it didn’t matter to me what he was going to “be”.  i had unconditional love at the ready!  beginning to end.  start to finish.

patrick and i had a lot in common….one of our favorite things to do was to get off by ourselves and discuss life as we each saw it and challenge the other one to see things from a different perspective.  we both suffered chronic pain, him from mental illness and me from migraines.

i think there are a lot of common denominators in illness.  people suffer in different ways, but i believe we are linked by threads of like feelings.  maybe that’s why we both enjoyed our talks.

my sister and her husband shared him generously with us over the years.  since i never had children, i suppose on some level, i’ve always thought of all of my nieces and nephews a little bit as my own.

growing up i didn’t have the luxury of knowing my aunts and uncles.  so when my sister started having children i made the decision that i would know them and they would know me.  i remember distinctly sitting down with the husband and telling him that.  i didn’t have the same expectation of him.

but there are many stories of the kids running past me and into the arms of uncle bruce!  i knew his “age”, but they knew his real age!  he was one of them!  i loved that he embraced them and together we set out to love and enjoy all of them.

in 2004 kelly clarkson released the song “breakaway” and from the very first time i heard it, it made me think of patrick.  we knew of his struggles over the past 9 years, but we didn’t know a lot of the details.

and i suppose i always longed for patrick to breakaway…

“grew up in a small town
and when the rain would fall down
i’d just stare out my window
dreaming of what could be
and if i’d end up happy
i would pray”

“trying hard to reach out
but when i tried to speak out
felt like no one could hear me
wanted to belong here
but something felt so wrong here
so i prayed i could break away”

this family has had so many prayers said on our behalf.  prayers from precious friends and complete strangers.  what a blessing!  i know they have sustained us.  i know without the word of God stored in our souls our view of these events would be so different.

on the one hand we are a grieving family and on the other we are thrilled that patrick is in heaven and at peace.

“i’ll spread my wings and i’ll learn how to fly
i’ll do what it takes til i touch the sky
and i’ll make a wish
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway
out of the darkness and into the sun
but i won’t forget all the ones that i love
i’ll take a risk
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway”

patrick did learn to fly for in the instant of his death his soul spread magnificant wings that were heaven bound.  while he chose to take himself out of the perfect plan that God had for his life, he was saved, and Christ died on the cross for him, for all of us (John 3:16).  i loved it this week when my sister said “when he was born i prayed for his salvation and he was saved as a small child.”

is there a better gift from a parent to a child than ensuring their salvation?  i think not.  and i assure you my sister did not rest until she knew, without a doubt, that all three of her children were saved!

“wanna feel the warm breeze
sleep under a palm tree
feel the rush of the ocean
get on board a fast train
travel on a jet plane, far away
and breakaway”

“buildings with a hundred floors
swinging around revolving doors
maybe i don’t know where they’ll take me but
gotta keep moving on, moving on
fly away, breakaway”

there is so much i will miss about patrick.  and so much i have to tell him when i see him again (right after i box his ears!).  and i will see him again (I Thes 4:13-18).  and i hope by the time i have the opportunity to get all my questions answered it won’t matter any more.  because eternity is so much bigger than the “importance” of this earth.

i have always believed that time is the gift God gives us to heal the heart.  but i have also always believed that there is heartache that is impossible to live long enough to completely overcome.  this.  for me.  is that kind of heartache.  and yet i so stand in awe that God hardwired us to have the drive to see a new day.  to continue to seek His perfect plan for our lives.

“i’ll spread my wings
and i’ll learn how to fly
though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
i gotta take a risk
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway
out of the darkness and into the sun
but i won’t forget the place i come from
i gotta take a risk
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway, breakaway, breakaway”

feel the warmth of the sun sweet nephew and know that the love of your aunt never wavered.  never faltered.  never failed. 

i love you to the moon and back x forever and i will miss you until i see you again…

in the words of my dear friend mindy “through it all, our God is an awesome God!”